Have you ever been afraid of your own country? That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I see people supporting Mitt Romney, regardless of his views of women, homosexuals, and minorities as lesser than himself. I see people bullying others, despite the continued suicides of young, isolated, and scared teenagers. It makes me afraid to live in my own country. The value of a human life continues to decrease as the days go by.
I just want to stop the United States for a moment. I wish I could make everyone understand everyone, just for a moment. I would create a union of every conscience in the country, just for a few moments. Then the rich man would understand the struggles of the poor woman who he thinks mooches off the government. Then the bully on Facebook would understand the pain and the tears of the person whose pictures are being shared and distributed around the internet. Then those teenagers would know they weren’t alone, that people love them, and that they’re just as important as anyone else.
The monstrosity has to stop. We as a society need to all just stop and say “no.” No more bullying. No more judging people whose lives we could never understand. No more treating other human beings like they’re worthless.
“I didn’t know that other people thought things about me. I didn’t know that they looked.” (The Perks of Being a Wallflower).
One night when I was reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I passed this quote. It hit me, and I literally could not read any further. I needed time to process and think about the quote. One of those rare moments occurred when I genuinely connected to a fictional character. I was not sure how to feel. I had found myself relating to a character that throughout the book had cried a whole lot, and connecting to a quote that seems rather depressing when applied to real life. After a few moments, I realized something beautiful had happened. I felt like I was not only reading about the life of a fictional character, but I was also reading about a part of myself.
As I lay down in bed that night, I thought about the quote. There were two thoughts dominating my mind. One, I genuinely feel surprised when people tell me that other people said anything about me at all, regardless of whether it is good or bad. Two, I realized that neither I, nor anyone else, can ever truly know what people think about them.
I can vividly see my common reaction when I find out people actually think about me when I am not around. Throughout my times in college, I have done my very best to change from the shy, side note of a person I used to be. It is difficult to see your own progress, so for all I knew I had not changed much at all. However, my friends would always mention kind words that other people would say about me. My first reaction is usually a flustered one. My face gets a little red and I generally cover my face when I feel that coming on. Then I, without thinking, normally state that the person is too kind.
It is sad when you think about it. Why do I instinctively discredit the compliment by saying the person is just trying to be nice to me? I wonder if it is more because I find difficulty in believing in other people, or if it is because I do not genuinely believe the things they are saying. Someday I think I will come to a place where I understand myself a little bit more. For now, I will continue to feel lucky, surprised, and cared about when people say nice things or post nice things on my Facebook wall.
Besides the moment where I learned a little more about myself, I learned and accepted that we will never know what people truly think about us. This is perhaps one of the biggest struggles of modern (first world) people. Deep down I think most people would love to know what the general perception of them is. No matter how many people tell us what they think, there will always be people that will forever have a question mark over their head when it comes to what they genuinely think about you. I guess knowing that you have people that do love you, and do care about you, is supposed to make those people less relevant.
I never like to leave a post feeling solely negative. Reading that quote, and coming to the past realization has helped me see how lucky I am. I have people that care about me, and people that support me (whether it is through compliments or Facebook posts/messages.) I think it is important that we all support each other, because you never know how much a simple compliment will mean to someone, because you do not know what they really think about you. Who knows, maybe they really want to be your friend.
While most people’s heroes are his/her mother or father, the President, Ghandi, or the like, mine is you. There will never be the words to thank you for the strength, wisdom, and courage I have earned through watching your show. It all started in the time when I needed help the most. I was a teenager without a path who just needed someone to listen. I was alone in a house with no one to talk to. My father would never understand me, and always tried to mold me into something that I wasn’t. My brother followed my father like a shadow, and mimicked his reactions and thoughts to my every choice in life. And my stepmom would simply run and tell my father anything that I told her. The rest of my family seemed so far away, it seemed difficult for me to trouble them through a phone call with my life problems, and when I was out of the house with them I did not feel all of the negative, depressing feelings I felt. What was a boy to do? I did not know myself, let alone the means of finding someone who I could really trust. I did not find my answer until I decided to spend the little money I had on season one of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
The show has taught me many life lessons. These lessons got me through the night, made me appreciate life, helped me love myself, and helped me grow up. I can honestly say I don’t know where I would be without these lessons. I don’t know if other people can truly ever understand why a person idolizes their hero. It is sort of a personal, untouchable bond that is difficult to describe with words, but I’ll do my best to explain.
You once said, “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.” This has always been the quote that has stuck with me more than anything else. It helped me to realize that sometimes people need to embrace the challenges in their lives. Without struggles, people cannot find the true extent of their strength, dexterity, durability, and courage. I learned that the bad times, despite the pain, help me to find out what I am true capable of. This quote has become the basis for my attitude about life. Instead of running from the hard times, I face them and see what I can gain from the experience.
Another (constant) lesson I learned from you was about independence. This does not only cover independence as a person without a significant other, this message of independence includes a sense of independence from friends and family as well. Friends and families are treasures, and they should always be cherished. However, there is only one person you can ever truly count on, all of the time, and that’s yourself. Your friends can’t always save you. Your family can’t always protect you. Everyone is going through something, and it’s important to be conscious of that fact. Talking to your friends about your problems is important, absolutely, but most of the time the only person who can solve your problems is yourself. So why burden your friends with something they can’t change? Again, I’m not saying that I think everyone should become a lone wolf, I just think it’s important to be able to recognize and be comfortable with the idea that the only person you can count on one hundred percent of the time is yourself.
Perhaps the other most powerful lesson I learned from you is about welcoming and accepting imperfection. Even the most perfect, heroic person you know has something they probably would not want you to know. Nobody is perfect. I have come to accept my imperfections and the imperfections of my friends and family. It’s a struggle, because everyone has expectations of themselves and other people. Since I learned this lesson, I have always made sure that when my friends talk to me about problems they’re having that I let them know they don’t have to be perfect and that we’re all human. Sometimes we all forget that it’s okay to make mistakes sometimes, as long as we learn from them and try to grow from the experience.
The final, most powerful lesson I learned is that you don’t have to completely know where yourself or where you’re going to end up. Each day we grow, and therefore we change. You should constantly be learning new things about yourself. You said to Angel, “I’m cookie dough. I’m not done baking. I’m not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I’m gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I’m ready. I’m cookies.” Adults nowadays have so many expectations of young people. They want us to know our career path by the time we hit kindergarten. I have no shame in saying I don’t know exactly where I’m going to be when I graduate, or what type of person I’ll be in the real world. Experiences change us, and I know that soon something will happen that will give me the answers I need. Until then, I’m not in a rush.
As I stated previously, this letter might be all over the place. It’s hard to summarize such a personal thing. However, I felt like I needed to write this. This is my thank you to Buffy, for all of the help she’s given me over the years. There’s no more glamorous way I can phrase it, except, thank you for everything.
